My name is Suzanne, I’m 26 years old and I’ve had
emetophobia for pretty much as long as I can remember. I’d like to share my
story with you all, but I apologize in advance if it gets a bit long! :-/
My earliest memory of becoming aware of it is when I was in
Year 3, when I was about 8 years old (although I’m told I showed signs before
this age, this is the first time I personally remember it affecting my life!). We were all sat in class like any normal school
day, when I was suddenly aware of a commotion at the back of the room. It
transpired that one of my classmates - a
good friend as it turns out, had thrown up all over the floor….. I clearly remember
the immense panic that suddenly gripped me! Suddenly, I felt like I just had to
get out of there. I burst into tears and I’m told that the teacher didn’t know
who to go to first – me, or the girl who had been ill! So that is my first
memory of it freaking me out. As I went through school, there were a few more
of these kind of incidents, as there inevitably are when you’re in amongst a
group of young children, and each time I’d respond in the same way. Tears, and
getting out of there as soon as possible!
Then things developed…. One day, it wasn’t just other people
being ill that scared me, but I started to become terrified that I was going to
become ill. It dominated my every thought and I started eating less and less in
the belief that if my stomach was empty, then I wouldn’t be ill. (Please note,
this is NOT the case. I have it from the doctor himself, that if you catch a
vomiting bug, then you will throw up regardless of how much food is in your
stomach!). Sorry, not a nice thing to talk about but I know a lot of
emetophobes have this same view! Anyway, I ate very little and consequently
lost a lot of weight…. I wasn’t anorexic, I wasn’t worried about getting fat.
But I certainly had a very uhealthy relationship with food. I started to dread having to sit in lessons
for an hour at a time, with no way of getting out! They implemented a rule at
my school whereby you weren’t allowed to leave a lesson – not even to go to the
toilet! So I started to get really panicky at the thought of feeling trapped if
I, or someone else was ill. At this point, I started to avoid school in general
as much as possible. I constantly felt sick and convinced myself every single
day that I had a bug and wanted to stay home (my safe place). Finally, my head
of year called me and my Mum in to school to ask if there was a problem and that’s
when I finally confided in someone (outside of my family) about my ‘problem’.
He was amazing and really did his best to help. He issued me with a special
card that I could use to excuse me from the room if I ever felt like I needed
to escape. Ironically, I never did actually use the card, but just having it
made me feel better.
But by the time I hit around 17 years of age and things were
no better, I decided I really needed to get some professional help. So, I went
to the doctor and asked to be referred to the psychiatric team. I saw a
Cognitive Behavioral Therapist who was really good. I had to endure some
pretty horrifying things – suffice to say it involved a lot of listening to
audio tapes, watching film clips and looking at some photos taken in sequence
of someone throwing up….. NOT pleasant. It was hard, but eventually I really
did start to feel better and my whole thought processes changed. I cant really
explain how, but it did work, and for a couple of years I felt great. I enjoyed
life, never worried about becoming ill and didn’t spend my time constantly
monitoring everyone around me for signs they might be ill!
But, eventually, after a few years the old thoughts and
feelings crept back in…. Things dramatically deteriorated just last year when I
got engaged! Obviously, I was delighted to be engaged to the man I loved, but
the thought of being ill on my wedding day completely and utterly consumed me.
I couldn’t look forward to it at all like normal brides do, and all I thought
about regarding the day itself was that I was going to feel ill, and wouldn't be
able to go though with it. To cut a very long story short, I tried hypnotherapy
in desperation which unfortunately didn’t work as I just couldn’t relax enough
and I never once went ‘under’ so to speak. It did relax me a little in general
though….. Eventually the big day came and, amazingly, once it arrived and I knew
I had to go through with it (there was no way I was going to stand my hubby up
at the altar!!!) I just kinda got on with it. I had a big freak out in the
morning but the minute I got my dress on and got to the venue I suddenly
relaxed and ended up really enjoying it! I hoped that once the wedding was out
the way, things would calm down a bit, but unfortunately that hasn’t happened.
Currently, I’m struggling to get out and about. I don’t like
venturing too far from my house because I worry I’ll become ill. I HATE public
transport and refuse to use it. I am always armed with hand sanitizer if out in
public and will never touch a door handle! I constantly worry about getting
ill. The list of ways it affects my life goes on and on…..
So, I have once again decided to try and sort it out once
and for all. I’m tired of wasting my life away… I have asked to be referred for
CBT again and I have my first appointment on the 27th Feb (that’s if
I manage to get there in the first place)!
